✅ Checklist for Feisty Urban Women Navigating Arranged Marriage in India

 A feminist, rights-based, clarity-oriented guide for honest conversations to navigate arranged marriage chats!

Inspired by lived experience. For women seeking clarity, not conformity.

Hi! I’m Spurthi. I’m 35, happily married to Prashanth - whom I met through an arranged marriage set-up. Though, I prefer calling it an assisted marriage (you’ll soon see why).

I'm from the town of Venkatapuram, Hyderabad. I studied engineering, transitioned into social work through my education in Mumbai, and worked for several years in Delhi. At the time, my radical feminist views made me hyper-aware/ woke, but also left me heartbroken and lonely - especially while trying to date in a city-bro/ macho world. 😅

Thanks to my mother’s relentless and loving efforts to find someone who could match my gullible-feisty-sweet-enthu personality, I found Prashanth - a genuinely kind human, who is now my best friend and forever partner.

This post isn’t about selling arranged marriage. If it’s not for you, feel free to skip! But if you're exploring it and don’t know how to navigate the system - this guide is for you, my fierce feminist friends!

Why This Checklist?

I created a set of non-negotiable conversations for my very first chat. Not to judge or interrogate - but to save time, protect energy, and avoid disappointment.

This is not a comprehensive list. It’s shaped by my own experience, and meant to help you reflect and define your clarity before conformity. Figure out what you're okay to compromise on and what is a definite NO-NO!

I only had six non-negotiable action points, but I did have this list of non-negotiable conversations!

Us, exhausted after a long-day of wedding traditions, heavy lunch, and random dancing 

1. 🩺 Health Compatibility

• Disclose and ask about personal and family health history (e.g., diabetes, mental health, genetic conditions).

• Discuss frequency of health checkups.

• Are they open to premarital health screening (fertility, sexual health, mental health)? Did you know, in UAE, it is mandatory?!

• Views on contraception and reproductive planning? Is he open to a vasectomy? Your thoughts on biological kids/ adoption?

Reference: (Puri et al., 2016; marraige.com, 2024)

2. 💰 Finance, Independence & Aspirations

• Income, saving habits, debts, and investments - how transparent are they?

• Who manages finances? How are money decisions made?

• Can both partners have financial autonomy (separate savings)?

• Flexibility to take career breaks? Is there financial planning for that?

• Opinions on wedding expenses: who’s paying, what and why?

My take: As educated feminist women, we must stop justifying extravagance with excuses of "Oh! My parents insisted!”. Instead, we need the courage to say NO to wealth display and casteist expectations masked as tradition. Arranged marriage is unfortunately rooted in caste, but we can try and resist, wherever we can!

Reminder: The aim is not to find someone rich, but, it’s to understand their relationship with money. Women - if you think income is the most important predictor of a suitable match, this post is NOT for you! I earned twice as much as Prashanth when we married, cuz it never mattered as my focus was more on the partnership and values.

3. 🏡 Family Expectations & Gender Roles

• What are the expectations from a daughter-in-law—daily routines, rituals, caregiving?

• Who cooks, cleans, and manages the household? Is it shared?

• What happens during family events - do men leave dirty dishes while women clean? (I refuse. It was my non-negotiable.)

• Are expectations negotiable? Who resolves conflict? 

• Views on gender equality in family responsibilities.

Tip: Listen to how they talk about their mother, sister, or aunt—it reveals more than they know

4. 💍 Wedding Rituals and Symbolism

• Discuss non-negotiables. These were mine.
  ❌ No kanyadaan
  ❌ No mangalsutra
  ❌ No appagintalu or bidaai-type rituals
  ❌ No dowry or gifts exchange (This would actually be reported because its extortion, not tradition!)

• Have a shared vision for the wedding: intimate, interfaith, court registration, destination? Both of us come from large families. I wish I had the budget to celebrate it with everyone, but my priority was to pay for my own wedding, relieve girl parents from the 'burden' of daughters wedding. So, I had to push for an intimate wedding and I was harsh and relentless. I eventually gave in to my FIL's puppy face and let him host a reception later!

• How open are both sides to negotiating rituals? My deal was simple. I will manage my side of the family and he has to manage his side. Is he able to to that or does he want me to the emotional labour for his side too?!

Now, the crucial bit people often ignore:
Timelines.

• Are they looking to get married in 2 months? Are you okay with that?

• Are they open to meeting, building a connection, and letting things unfold gradually?

• Is there space to say “Let’s slow down and be sure”?

Our story: Prashanth and I told our families we wouldn’t proceed unless we met at least five times. We ended up meeting more. We got engaged only a year later, and married a year after that. In a typical arranged marriage setup, this is considered 'too long'. But guess what? We were driving our own timeline - and that made all the difference.

Remember: You’re not a package being shipped. Set your own pace.

5. 🏠 Home and Living Arrangements

• Where will you live post-marriage? Nuclear or joint family? 

• What kind of privacy and mental peace will you have (e.g., separate room, work area)? Can you have your own space ?

• What happens during emergencies or elder care needs?

• Is there openness to living near your family?

• Who will care for aging parents on both sides?

6. 🧠 Mental Health, Emotional Literacy

• Are they open to therapy? Have they ever been? What are their thoughts?

• How do they handle stress, conflict, failure?

• Do they dismiss or stigmatize mental health issues?

• What’s their relationship with their own emotions? Ask about how they handled a recent personal or family challenge.

7. 🗳️ Ideological Compatibility

• Views on:

  • Feminism and gender equality/ justice

  • Right-wing politics and nationalism

  • LGBTQIA+ rights

  • Gaza, Palestine, or global justice issues

  • Caste and social justice/ privilege (ask about reservation, brahminical puritanism, etc,)

Tip: Let conversations flow naturally - don't reveal your position immediately. Gauge comfort and defensiveness. And, remember this is NOT an interview, but to ascertain the tone and temparement. Prashanth did not identify himself as a feminist when we met, and also dint have strong political views. But, I was impressed with how he expressed himself, how he held the space and his willingness to (un)learn. That's all that mattered. 

8. 🎬 Pop Culture & Media

• Favourite films, books, and influencers?

• Reactions to films like Arjun Reddy, Thappad, etc.

• How do they talk about women in media?

• Red flags: admiration for misogynist, hyper-masculine characters/ songs

Our first film together online was Thappad, and it was a long, reflective conversation!

9. 🎓 Education, Career & Life Planning

• Academic and career aspirations - ongoing or settled?

• Thoughts on relocation or dual careers?

• Is your career ambition treated with respect? Is there place to dream? 

• Can both partners grow and take turns?

When we first spoke, I was sure that I was moving to Hyderabad, which was super important to him. But, within a year, I realised I had to do my PhD. And, he flew across continents with me for my dream. If this is not love, what is!

10. 📝 Documentation and Legal Clarity

• Transparency on educational transcripts, job proof, or any gaps.

• Awareness about your legal rights in marriage (right to property, freedom of movement, etc.).

• Joint bank account? Joint property?

In our case, a family friend was their neighbour, so both parties kind of got that verification help!

11. 📱 Social Media Persona & Digital Footprint

• Look them up. Examine social media presence (or intentional absence).

• What kind of content do they like, share, or comment on?

• Who do they follow - motivational bros, softbois, feminists, right-wing influencers?

• Any signs of misogyny, casteism, homophobia, or performative wokeness?

• How do they react when you post publicly? Pride or control?

Tip: Don’t just look for red flags - look for the absence of green ones. Do they ever post about issues that matter? In my case, Prashanth is mostly absent on social media except LinkedIn. And, that habit has slowly rubbed on me positively, and I now post less and less on Insta.

12. 👭 Meet Your Circle of Women

• Introduce him to your close women friends - especially the outspoken, sharp, feisty ones. How does he respond to critique, disagreement, sarcasm, or radical opinions?

• Does he listen or interrupt? Dismiss or engage or deflect? Does he get uncomfortable when he’s not the centre of attention?

• After the meeting and later, does he speak respectfully about your friends? Or with casual condescension?

Red flag: “They seem angry” or “they’re too much”.

13. ❤️ Past Relationships & Emotional Maturity

• Ask openly: Have you been in love before? Dated anyone seriously? Why did it end? Their experience of heartbreak/ rejection? If they're in their 30s and haven't experienced either - that's a red flag too, no?

• What kind of emotional or physical intimacy was shared? How do they speak about that experience? Do they reflect with empathy, growth, or blame and bitterness?

• How do they respond to your experiences - do they listen without judgment, or start moral policing?

• What are their views on the virginity myth and societal obsession with female “purity”?

Tip: Don’t just note what they say. Watch how they say it - tone, discomfort, curiosity, defensiveness.

Red flag: “My ex was crazy” + “You’re not like other girls”

14. 🎲 Play Board Games - Seriously!

Yes, this is a legit checkpoint. Play a competitive game - UNO, Catan, Azul, Taboo, Scrabble, even carrom or playing cards. Why?

• People lose control while playing - that’s the point. You get a glimpse of their competitiveness, ego, playfulness, and grace (or lack thereof) under pressure.

• Do they make space for fun or take it too seriously?

• What happens when they lose? Do they laugh, sulk, throw a fit, or silently withdraw?

• How do they treat you when you win? Mock you or cheer you?

• Can they banter or do they bruise easily?

True story: Both Prashanth and I are sore losers. But he’s way more sensitive to being teased during games. It’s still a minor point of contention between us - and we still haven’t found a game that doesn't end in “you're being too competitive” from one of us. 😅

Tip: Games reveal emotional maturity more than rehearsed conversations ever can! 

Final Thoughts

This checklist is not about judging or interrogating, but about aligning values, setting boundaries, and starting with mutual clarity. This is also not to say that only if these opinions match, you'll make great partners. Like I shared with my examples, ours dint match at many instances! You dont want to find your clone, but a partner!

Marriage and wedding are different. Understand the difference an set the right expectations for yourself and your partner from each. Marriage is a co-led experiment in growth, love, and collective responsibility. And it’s okay if your list looks different from mine, just have one, two or a few!

Please let me know if this helped you, or if you would add/ delete anything or if you want more posts on the topic! 

With love and solidarity,
Spurthi 🧡 

Credits: Thanks Chat GPT for emojis, edits and visuals.