I Want to be Free!

I want to be free

- a woman from Venkatapuram

I yearned to be free 

to explore the world outside 

the compromised comfort of my parents’ home

without the sting of comments or ‘friendly’ prying advice 

on brightening my skin color, or controlling my weight

or walking properly, speaking/ replying properly, eating properly, wearing properly

Properly being anything suitable to everyone around except me

I yearned to be free from these inherited and ingrained ways of doing things properly

But I’ve realised I too have become one of ‘everyone’ 

That despite leaving the boundaries of my parents’ home

I’ve learnt to build the same ones in my own

Nevertheless, I want to be free

I want to be free

To walk without dodging stares,

without dreading to caution my friends abroad

that staring is ‘normal’ in Hyderabad

that we either keep our heads down or pretend not to see

the eyes that follow us – in bus stops, on streets, in malls, in parks, in shops, in temples, in offices, in functions – phew!

for simply doing our own thing, for simply existing.

I want to be free

to know the sun rays from dawn to dusk

from beyond the walls and rooftops of my learned comfort zones

to find the courage to break the boundaries - both - real and invisible

to see, hear, feel, and enjoy the songs of different birds, the rustles of different leaves

to find the joy and liberation when facing the endless oceans and expansive forests or deserts

I want to be free

to meet the moon as an equal

That I, too, can change

That I, too, can conquer the night skies

That I, too, can see the fireflies, wait for the midnight flowers to bloom in the forests, catch the waning moon’s glimpses in flowing waters

That I, too, can enjoy the blanket of stars above, slowly fall asleep counting my favourite ones and offering secret hopeful prayers and messages to uncle, aunt and grandparents up there 

I want to be free

to walk with music in my ears – trying hard to focus on the magic of Telugu lyrics

or a page in my hand – comprehending Volga’s powerful words

lost in my own thoughts,

never having to be enraged at the roads without footpaths

or fearing the hands that might reach from shadows

I want to be free

To take a hike or stretch my legs 

on sunny, rainy or chilly days

to enjoy the cool shade of a tree, jump in a puddle, or feel the cold air kiss my face

Not having to worry about buying these things

those that should be free for us all

In hopes that, we too will someday have a government 

That cares and makes spaces - open, safe, and ours

I want to be free 

to eat - at home or on the street

counting pani puris for fun

not calories for shame

To never hide my plate or my appetite

and to linger in the open air

sitting, doing nothing

because, I, too, can step out for no reason

because that too is mine to enjoy

I want to be free

To celebrate friends’ and cousins’ weddings

without wondering how much debt

the bride’s parents sank into

or how much dowry was wrapped in ‘modern' gifts

a car, an interior makeover, a house

or seed money for the groom’s business

or how much their celebrations scarred the earth

and why they choose destruction

when they could so easily choose joy without it

I want be free

To get a pap smear, a transvaginal scan

without the question of my marital status

without additional burden of soothing their patriarchal fears

without underselling my desires

or carrying shame for them

I want to be free 

To openly support

the cousin walking through divorce, or

the aunt living in a marital hell

shouting from my rooftop

for women to choose themselves

I want to remember the aunt

I never got a chance to meet

burnt alive for not meeting

the price they called ‘dowry’

and fight so no one else

is commemorated this way

I want to be free

to attempt and to try - new things or old

to win or to learn, to make mistakes

Without worrying about being branded as competitive or docile or anything else

to forget and forgive - myself and others

To heal my guilt and shame, make amends

without being overburdened

to the point where 

I lose my own voice

I want to be free 

to think, speak, read, write

to be seen and heard for my ideas

to be both leader and follower as needed

because I too care for bigger things

and yearn to change from the front

I want to be free 

To run my own organisation

That is not just a money-making machine, but one that makes life better for all

to dream big things without budgeting

for the bribes they call ‘mandatory’

that need to be given for me to do good

I want to be free

to protest injustice, stand in peace

without hunting for connections

to ‘allow’ me my rights

to express solidarity with every woman, to fight for 

those being hanged for wanting to feel the wind in her hair

to those being bombed for simply existing in Gaza

to those being publicly humiliated for loving from another caste/ class

for menstruating or not, for identifying as a woman

and support every other sister fighting her own fight, sometimes with her own self

I want to be free

even knowing freedom is relative

even knowing I hold privileges

others are still fighting for

I want to use what I have to fight beside them

to say ‘I care’ in ways both small and daily

to show up until the day

We can all be truly free.

P.S. Celebrating Indian Independence Day in the UK is always a strange feeling. I have just out abone more year here before I (possibly) move back to Venkatapuram after finishing my PhD. Today, I found myself reflecting on what this day means, and what freedom means for me. This attempt at a poem is what came out of that reflection.